What worth does the ivy have?
What meaning I ascribe to it:
A time before the balance tipped
And that it made me glad.
You still think you are in the right; you still deploy your charm.
You still insist that cross-your-heart you've caused no undue harm.
Of course my actions were unkind; of course I needed taught.
Of course you had to punish me for all the times I fought.
You say you acted out of love and loved despite my flaws;
You'll find if you open your eyes that you're their very cause.
Oh, out of love you broke me; I'm sure you meant so well,
But I am here to tell you that you both can go to hell.
Assured by watchful eyes, the children run
And shout, and play, and do as children do
In twos and threes and never one by one;
They do not lack the love that they are due.
Their parents sit in earshot of the din
And listen as they talk and sip their tea—
And noticing a pained cry, they rush in,
Attending to loose tooth and bruisèd knee.
Turn now and watch the child all alone
To whom a kind word no one would deign say.
Cold in his bitter solitude he's grown;
There's none he's met did not turn him away.
So, creeping to the center of the town,
To better feel its warmth he burns it down.
I can carve or paint myself; I can change my shape.
But no matter how I whittle or I polish or I scrape
I cannot change the stone.
I was safer among people I barely knew. I was comfortable
even without my back against a wall, even surrounded.
the pages between my fingers felt like home
the food that was mine tasted of home, of a time when I still belonged.
of a time before I lost anything at all.
thirty minutes of home among strangers, thirty minutes of contentment
knowing that soon I would go back home,
where all the food tasted of fear.
I was not yet afraid and not yet alone
and not yet tired of wonder. I could see the stars
and dreamed of the sun
and dreamed of the water
and in the bright woke under the hammock, having slept through falling out
and falling, and the morning dew.
if you have to pick a battle, make your choice for sure
there's times to pick a battle and there's times to pick a war
and times to keep your head down or to turn yourself away
so know for sure which of these times applies to you today
you aren't good enough.
you press through the pain you don't yet know you could avoid,
you tie a scarf around your headache,
you try to sleep you aren't good enough.
you acquiesce you accept you try harder,
you avoid everything,
you scream your voice away you aren't good enough.
you understand nothing,
you beg for help,
you break you aren't good enough.
and then you are alone.
Keep your eyes wide open; be careful where you step
And careful of the memories you've chosen to forget.
The only eyes a-watching are the ones you sent yourself
And you only have as many ways to go as cards you've dealt.
I came into this life already broken
and uncertain of what I had done
and uncertain of who I had been
and uncertain of who I would be
and faltering though I was I stepped ahead
and ran ahead and ran into the future
and ran into the life I didn't choose
and ran into the life I was to lose.
you are above the fear and cannot cry
above yourself above the city
above all words pressed against the wall
pressed against the streetmusic against the sky
you and the door propped open and your throat tight
and the sky and the city and the street and the sky
curled small on your coat, alone.
I could see the ribbons in the mirror
saw the ribbons on my arm
carried ribbons through the street
ribbons over my heart over my eyes
my blood my bones my skin my lungs
and untied them and tore them away
and there was nothing under them
and under them I was nothing
thorn and twig and briar
feather soot and fire
oak and elm and rose
and calling of the crows
bee sting butterfly wing
scrap of silk and iron ring
ash and foxglove, root and wool
gathered when the moon is full
coin corners four
ash for a door
blood for a key
it opens for thee
rushes and fish-scales
corn husks and cattails
acorns and pinecones
flat river-stones
the words around my head are walls; I breathe
through blanks between the bricks; I seek
safety from the sun; I fought
until I fell from my own heart; I call
for comfort and a clear black sky; I sing.
match the line, the word, the thought
each side the same. be the scale you measure them by,
weigh and balance and choose and take the thought
to turn the thought
to tell the tale
that once was told by other mouths that you but echo now
in the mirror are the words
the words are in the mirror
the page is bright to look upon
the glass will show them clearer
it shines with suns from other worlds
the other worlds, they shine
backwards, forwards, inside out
it's yours as much as mine
one forwards, one backwards
one shackled in steel
one bright-lit, one shadowed
one mythic, one real
one sunset, one sunrise
one star in the sky
one drowned and one buried
one secret and sly
heart that was, I lay you still
on nothing so noble as pyre or shrine.
earth you shall have; in grass you shall rest
and alone, in shade, you may know peace.
earth above and air beneath
knife clenched tight between my teeth
heart in throat and foot in grave
my grip on safety just now gave
I cared for you so deeply,
Lover to lover spoke,
To be with you was like a dream—
Oh, but then I woke.
We were happy in the autumn,
In the days we'd sit and hide
In a fortress all of pillows—
Oh, but then you died.
I would be with you forever
And not care about the cost.
I would hold you closely to me—
Oh, but now you're lost.